In Defense of The Tea Crate

Universally panned online, the Revs new pregame tradition could be good...with a lot of improvements.

Photo By ©J. Alexander Dolan

Okay, I admit I feel partially responsible for this. Twice I have mentioned the Revs doing a tea party related promo during their logo rebrand and jersey reveals. This is not just a way to encourage fans to come out to said events but also lets them actively participate in something while they’re there.

And throwing a crate of NYC pigeons or NJ Energy Drinks or crowns from the state that shall not be named until they return my hockey team is a way to get some cheap laughs at the expense of the rest of the league.

So yesterday the New England Revolution setup the triumphant return of one of their favorite homegrown sons in Scott Caldwell with a genius idea - tossing a Toronto FC branded tea crate behind the goal. Yes a solitary tea crate I can only assume representing the one Dunkin in all the state of Utah where Scotty was with RSL the last two years. This is not a fitting tribute to one of the most consistent players New England has had over the last decade.

Which brings up the problem with this tradition - on the glorious day of December 16, 1773, ancestors of The Fort did not put one measly crate of bland British tea into its rightful place in the harbor…they put ALL the tea into the harbor where it belongs.

The Revs can’t have just one crate of tea, they need dozens. Like enough for a full youth soccer team and a dozen or so season ticketholders to throw overboard. The Musket Men need to be firing in celebration of this historical re-creation, low lights and blunders from the opposing team need to be played on the Jumbotron, all while fans in red, white, and navy work themselves into a pre kickoff fervor.

Fans throwing teabags onto the field was also brought up in my social mentions, with the counter that The Fort can’t even throw streamers so it’s probably a no go on just the clean up aspect alone. I think it’s a bad idea cause that white lie about teabags being something you do to Halo 2 trolls online is eventually going to haunt us and this is a family show.

Not every team needs to try and copy Timber Joey or the Atlanta Golden Spike, but I do think the Revs are onto something here. They just need to take it to the next level, they didn’t go far enough. Taylor Twellman thinks the crate needs to land in a kiddie pool, I enjoyed the numerous jokes about how Amazon actually delievers your package to your front door, and I think the Revs are about to crate, I mean create, something pretty neat.

I know the Revs are 0-2 in league play so far and there’s a lot to pile on them about right now, but New Englanders are known for their level headedness and not rushing to judgement too quickly which I think is something we need to do with the tea crate. This was the trial run, let’s see the full re-enactment version in action - after goals, after wins, all the time.

At all times with this the mantra should be all the tea belongs in the harbor all the time. Give up a goal, now the opposing keeper has to watch a handful of crates marked goalie gloves go over the side. Is it intimidating? Probably not. Is it funny? Maybe, I need to see Dolan get some reaction shots.

In conclusion this was perhaps a good idea that failed only in scope which can be easily corrected. Crates labeled maple leafs and ketchup chips need to be thrown overboard to play mind games with TFC and Canada at the horror of seeing their favorite things cast aside with disdain and impunity. And remember, Canada helped burn down the White House that one time so they deserve to have some ketchup chips, bagels, and poutine dumped into the harbor to keep them in line.

This is New England, we quite literally invented going overboard and yet we have this tradition that barely gets off the ground. So its time to escalate, which is a fitting tradition cause I think we invented that too.